What Nobody Tells You Before Going On A Diet

Diets are like medication: nobody wants to shove pills down their throat, but then there's the whole will to keep on living thing. Of course, that medication can sometimes have lovely side effects like death, so maybe you are better off without it.

I'm not a doctor. I did once have a doctor though with the exact same name as my grandmother. That was weird.

We don't know what the future holds. What we do know is if we need to make a change, ready and willingly or just a good idea in theory. Every New Year's, people vow to lose weight, and eat better.

In most cases, that good intention is slaughtered by the overwhelming amount of life changing substances that taste approximately 157 times better than kale.

You can totally eat healthy and still have it taste great, but damn does it take a lot more work. Maybe you're up for the challenge. Maybe you're ready to kick those Starbucks' Frappadapppadippacinos to the curb, followed by that truckload of Five Guy's french fries forged from God's mighty hands.

It May Take Weeks Before Losing ANYTHING

When I kicked off my weight loss journey at the beginning of 2011, I had high hopes of losing at least 20 pounds the first month. You know what happened? I lost a whopping three fucking pounds. I followed the diet (slow carb outlined in The 4-Hour Body) to a tee.

It was insanely discouraging, and my first thought was to eat my feelings in a binge session to rival Keith Richard's coke habit.

It would take another few weeks until my body started letting go, and giving in to the inevitable. Also measuring inches lost around the arms, stomach, and thighs let me know that a change was happening even though it failed to make an appearance on the scale.

Diet Drinks Are The Devil Incarnate

Diet drinks sound like a great idea in theory. They taste similar to the real thing, except no calories, sugar or guilt! While they may not be full of the stuff you're not supposed to have, they are full of LIES.

Drinking diet actually causes you to crave more sweet things, completely derailing your plans. Research also suggests a possible increased risk of diabeetus, and there's probably a cancer risk too, because, hey, everything causes cancer.

Your Body Sucks At Burning Calories

Exercise generally follows a good diet, and you want to burn off calories to burn off the fat. Maybe you get a gym membership, jog around town or just put in a few extra hours walking each week.

Contrary to mistaken belief, in caloric terms, your recent workout session does not qualify you to pig out.

According to the Mayo Clinic, a 200-pound person will burn around 750 calories after an hour of running at a decent clip. In other words, a Double-Double from In-N-Out, plus a handful or two of fries.

The 3-Day Hump Is Bullshit

Ex-smokers like to talk about the 3-day hump. Once you can get past the first few days, sticking to the plan is a lot easier. This 3-day hump rule makes its way over to other things, like dieting.

There is some truth to it, but it's more like the 30-day hump, and even then it's still not going to be easy. Your body wants and will ALWAYS crave deliciously unhealthy shit. It's a constant battle that never ends.

Eventually, you will give in. You will relapse. But you know what? It's not the end of the world. You can eat like a total pig every once in a while. Go for that donut. Hit up that Chinese buffet. Get your greasy paws all over that Double Down. Just be prepared to get back to work.